Charismatic Encounters

I like how the title of the blog post sounds because of the alliteration (I think that's the correct term) with the "C" sounds. But if I were reading this blog title not knowing what it was about... I might think it was somehow about sex. But don't worry... it's not.

While talking with a friend over lunch today, I was reminded of a "charismatic encounter" I had about thirteen years ago. And by "charismatic" I mean in the spirtual gifts sense. God works in strange ways at times, and I'm glad I was reminded of that today.

I was working at my dad's family business at the time. I happened to be alone in the office that afternoon, and this woman walks in the door and asks for my mom. This is a woman I knew by sight, I knew her name, etc... but had never really had a conversation with her. Mom wasn't there so I asked the woman if I could give her a message. The woman then just intensely stares at me for a couple of seconds (long seconds) and then says, "Oh... Well it must be for you then." Feeling a bit of a socially awkward situation approaching, I was like, "Ummm... What must be for me?" Her response was, "Is there a room in the back or something where we could go and pray? I need to pray for you." I was pretty weirded out, but thought, "Hey... why not... ?" And I was really curious about why she "needed to pray" for me.

So we go and sit at a table in another room, and this woman starts to pray out loud... out loud in tongues that is. I grew up Southern Baptist... at that point in my life I had never heard anything like what was coming out of her mouth. I kinda felt the urge to laugh in surprise... but restrained myself. When she finished, she asked what I thought. All I said was "I don't know." But I was thinking to myself, "Lady, I have no freaking idea what you just prayed!" Then she asked if I wanted to her recap the prayer in English, and was like, "Ummm... yeah, that would be nice." I don't remember the exact words she said in her English recap since it's been thirteen years. But I do remember my mouth dropping wide open when she finished... because it was completely right on and relevant to my spirtual situation at the time. I was about to make a major life decision and had been praying fervently about it.

Why did she show up at the office that day? Is it possible she spoke with someone else who knew about my situation and that's why she came to pray for me? I suppose it's possible. Possible, but pretty doubtful.

I by no means think that stopping in at someone's place of work to pray for them in tongues is an appropriate way to do ministry... especially if that person is pretty much a stranger. That's just not how I roll... But who sent her to pray that prayer of encouragement for me that day? As strange and as socially awkward as it was and as much as I disapprove of her methods, I don't think the woman was sent from Satan. I believe God sent her. To use my friend's phrase, this woman's special "big red phone" in the corner rang, and she answered and then responded.

What am I saying? What's the point? I think sometimes God uses strange methods and weird people (some of which we don't really approve of or think are socially appropriate) to answer our prayers.

Depression... intangibles from others that can help... maybe

How much is too much to let a friend into my world of depression? When a friend says she wants me to explain it to her, does that person really know what she is asking?

Don't get me wrong... talking about it and explaining it is a good and healthy thing for me to do... it makes me feel less insane to say out loud the thoughts rolling around in my head... and I would love to have another person in my corner with this depression thing. But again I ask... does she realize what she is asking? Does she really want to hear about my unexplainable sadness... sadness that persists in me depsite how incredibly blessed I know I am?

I want to ask her... Do you really wanna know the reality of my life today and for the last six out of seven days? Sadness... sadness and guilt when I think of my husband and my daughter... because they are wonderful... They need and deserve better from me. Same thing for my sister... Not a day goes by that I don't think about her... She deserves better from me.

Crying... actual crying and even more holding back of tears at various locations.

Then there is hopelessness... I don't mean eternal hopelessness... I know where my ultimate destination is... I know that "no power of hell nor scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand." But I'm not gonna lie... I am frightened that this depression will be a part of the rest of my life on earth. And even as I'm typing this, I know there are people around the world who must live with much worse for the rest of their earthly lives... People with Parkinson's... people who are in prison for their religious or politcal beliefs, people who live in abject poverty... The list of people who have it worse than me while on this earth is endless. Thus... even more guilt for me.

As a person who deals with non-circumstancial depression, how do I answer my friend's question "Is there anything I can do?" I've had more than one friend ask me that... and I'm pretty sure I would ask the exact same question if I were in their shoes. I wish I had a great answer to it. I don't know this for sure... but I don't think most people like the answer I usually give: "Just let me talk if I need to talk... and realize that when I talk and ask rhetorical questions I'm not asking you or expecting you to answer them or give me advice. I'm not asking you to fix me or rescue me or anything like that." But that's so intangible for most people... it doesn't feel to them like they're doing anything to help... So in response some say "but what else can I do."

At that point I usually think to myself but don't say out loud "Well, the next time I'm sitting on my office floor sobbing, would you come sit with me?" And the reality is that when I'm sitting on the floor in my office sobbing, it's usually the absolute most inconvenient time for anyone to actually come sit with me... plus the fact that it's a pretty socially awkward thing to ask someone to do. But the other reality is that it would help... How do I know it would help? Once, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was driving around... sobbing in my car... feeling beyond desperate... I called a friend and asked her if I could come over. I got to her house still crying, walked in, didn't really even say anything, and cried in her arms for half an hour... or more maybe. We did talk some after that... but she didn't say anything really during my pathetic sobbling spell... and that was OK... she didn't need to say anything. Sometimes just not having to cry alone is a comfort. And I've cried in the arms of my husband dozens of times... and he's learned it's OK... even better sometimes... not to say anything during those moments.

Here is something else that helps... and I feel ridiculous admitting this for some reason... I think because it just seems shallow. This last week was the worst one yet depressionwise for me this winter. I let a handful of people know how I was feeling... One friend texted me later and reminded me that she loved me and liked me. A simple sentence... but that let me know it was OK that I had told her I was having a bad week... that let me know I hadn't completely annoyed her like I thought I might have by saying that I had a horrible day... again.

Another thing that would help... and I think this next thing I've only ever said to my husband... I don't want friends to shelter me from things going on in their own lives. If things are awesome for them, great! I can almost always celebrate with them. But if things are not awesome, they won't somehow bring me down further by telling me what's going on... I am a good friend and a good listener... And just because I'm having a rough time doesn't mean that I don't care about what's going on with the lives of my friends.

I don't claim to be a spokeswoman for all Christian women who deal with chronic clinical depression... but I know I can't be the only one out there who feels as I do...