Christmas in East Texas

Constructing a fire ring in the woods behind my childhood home

View of the house from the fire ring

Emily Bear's favorite toy on Christmas Eve

"Loving a Person"

I have, in recent months, given a lot of thought to my friendships... circumstances have forced me to do so. I've asked myself questions like... Is this a friendship of which I need to let go? Is this other friendship one for which I should fight, for which I should work? Yesterday's entry, "Dear Friend," is a letter to a friend with whom I am not reconciled... There are unsaid things between us, and that's probably how it will remain... I don't really know what to do with that, but it's out of my hands... I've done all I know to do to try to make things right. I need to let that friendship go, and writing that letter yesterday is somehow helping me do that.

One of the cool things about marriage is that you have a lifetime (hopefully) to get to know each other... There is a comfort that has worked its way into my relationship with my husband. But that can be one of the hardest things about marriage, too... There is no bailing... It's a lifetime commitment... a lifelong covenant. There is and will be a "beauty of seeing things through."

I don't know if Sara Groves wrote the lyrics to the song below about a marriage relationship or a friendship or what... I think it could be about both. There is a "beauty of seeing things through" in friendships, too. The only place I've lived longer than where I live now is the town in which I grew up. During almost six years of living in the same place, I now have some friends who have seen me at my best... and my worst... and I've seen the same in them. We have a history together. Significant parts of our stories are woven together. There have been occasions where I've been astounded by their awesomeness and other times where I've been so hurt and disappointed and confused by their words and actions that I've wanted to walk away and never ever look back. But had I done that, I would have missed a ton of "beauty in seeing things through."


Loving a Person
by Sara Groves

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
That's the whole thing
Loving me just the way I am, it's no small thing
It takes some time

Dear Friend

The following is a letter to a friend... a friend who, unfortunately, has shaded and colored almost every meaningful relationship I have had since.

Dear friend,

Been awhile since we've communicated... been even longer since we've spoken. And still at times I miss you. Even after all this time I wish I could explain myself to you... because I believe that if I explained myself, you would feel differently about me. Either that... or I would take back some of myself I shared with you... I wouldn't give so much away... maybe be a little less honest... keep more of my thoughts to myself... not allow myself to feel so safe in your presence. Because in the end, my being honest with you caused me more heartache than sharing my heart with you ever relieved.

Now I question myself in every friendship. I am ever so vigilant about how much I share about my dark places... cautious with my husband, my family, and my closest friends... always afraid that the current bout with depression will be the one that, if I share, will be the last straw... the thing that drives them away.

Maybe you've changed... I must assume that you have because I know the years have changed me. I guess what I wonder is if you ever realized how much you hurt me, or if you moved blindly on believing that what you did was the godly thing to do. Was I the last in a long line of friends you abandoned when things got to be difficult, or do you continue to befriend, draw people into your trust, your intimate circle, and leave when the friendship becomes "unhealthy" (which really means that friend isn't agreeing with everything you say and not doing what you think they should)?

Why "Vibrant Discontent"?

Two words... although not the only two... but two words I would use to describe myself are: restless and discontent. "Restless Discontent" sounds somewhat negative and un-lifegiving. "Vibrant Discontent," however, sounds passionate... And... I just googled it... and as far as I can tell, I'm not stealing a band name or anything like that.


On this blog, I plan to only edit myself on arragement and grammar (sorta)... but not on content. Most of the topics about which I blog will be ones I have already been tossing around in my head. On "Vibrant Discontent," I'm giving myself permission to do the following: 1) talk about my feelings and opinions without caveats for every single thought I express... I know I'm not right about everything, and there are a million ways to approach every issue, and I just don't have the time or energy anymore to qualify everything I say and every opinion I have 2) be sappy, sentimental, cheesy, and emotional... I want to stop denying those parts of me 3) to not be funny if I don't feel like it... anyone who knows me at all knows I'm freaking hilarious, right? right?! So I have nothing to prove in the area of humor. 4) to be Arminian (a recently reached conclusion) in my approach to theology (for those of you who care about such terms)... or at least a non-Calvinist... inevitably, because of my faith in and passion for knowing Christ, this perspective will seep its way in