Dear Friend

The following is a letter to a friend... a friend who, unfortunately, has shaded and colored almost every meaningful relationship I have had since.

Dear friend,

Been awhile since we've communicated... been even longer since we've spoken. And still at times I miss you. Even after all this time I wish I could explain myself to you... because I believe that if I explained myself, you would feel differently about me. Either that... or I would take back some of myself I shared with you... I wouldn't give so much away... maybe be a little less honest... keep more of my thoughts to myself... not allow myself to feel so safe in your presence. Because in the end, my being honest with you caused me more heartache than sharing my heart with you ever relieved.

Now I question myself in every friendship. I am ever so vigilant about how much I share about my dark places... cautious with my husband, my family, and my closest friends... always afraid that the current bout with depression will be the one that, if I share, will be the last straw... the thing that drives them away.

Maybe you've changed... I must assume that you have because I know the years have changed me. I guess what I wonder is if you ever realized how much you hurt me, or if you moved blindly on believing that what you did was the godly thing to do. Was I the last in a long line of friends you abandoned when things got to be difficult, or do you continue to befriend, draw people into your trust, your intimate circle, and leave when the friendship becomes "unhealthy" (which really means that friend isn't agreeing with everything you say and not doing what you think they should)?