Closer to 40 than 30

Today is my birthday... and it's difficult for me as an analytical and sentimental woman not to take stock of my life and not to talk about my past, present, and future...

When I was much younger, I never imagined my life to have been so richly blessed with so many honest and lively relationships (almost too many to count)... some of which have endured... some of which have not. Some of the enduring ones I will see again this side of eternity... some I will not... and hopefully the ones that have not endured on this side, I will see on the other.

Today I am remembering my Furman freshman hall friends of Gambrell 200... Kristin, Holley, Laurie, Sylvia, Diana, Sarah, Lisa... and all the late night laughter we shared.

Kelly, my roomie for 3 years... and quite possibly the best friend I have ever had outside of my husband...

Amy, Jenny, and Audrey... my friends from Furman Singers... unbelievable women.

Jill, my sister... another unbelievably successful woman... Lisa, my cousin, who fits in that same category...

Kristi, Camille, Cathy, Caroline, Darby, Ellen, Amy, Angie, Marci, Justin... all friends from my hometown... people whom with I wish I had stayed in better touch.

Monica, Mandy, Ashli, and Neely from Camp Chapparal.

Carol, Alecha, Sherri, Becca, Jenny, Marla, Jill, Dot, Kathy, Tommie, Robin, Susan... my dear friends from Plainview...

Kate, Amber D., Amber T., Becky, Pam, Heather, Sandy, Kendall, Jennifer, Robin, Angie, Susie, Cindy, Emily (partially for whom my daughter is named), Steve, Dave, Tracy, Shasta, Kyle, Kayla, Misty, Gregg... my friends from WT, FUMC Canyon, and Trinity Fellowship Amarillo... Most importantly, Scott, my husband of over six years... who I met in West Texas...

And I haven't even begun the list of the dear friends I have in Nebraska... I can't even list them now because I am crying.

Ignore all of the other things I have... and only look at the people I have had the privilege of knowing... I am blessed beyond measure.

O The Blood - Gateway Worship

I can't stop listening to this song. I'm not exactly sure why... the lyrics aren't super original... the chord structure isn't all that complicated... but I can't stop listening to it.

One of those days...

I'm having one of those days... and I have them way more often that I would like to admit... but... I'm having one of those days where I'm sad, anxious, somewhat crazy... for no identifiable reason... or I should say... no rational reason. Every poor decision, every sin I've ever committed, every weakness, everything I can think of for which to beat myself up... It's all right in front of my face today. I'm questioning my judgement on recent decisions. I'm feeling guilty for things over which I have no control. I'm thinking my friends feel I'm the most annoying person on the face of the earth. I'm obsessing over ridiculous stuff.

And here's the thing... I know it's not logical. I know most of what I'm feeling right now isn't true. I'm currently telling myself to stop going down this road on which I somehow found myself late last night. But I don't know if I can stop. And in some ways, letting myself continue to go down this road of self-condemnation would be easier. It would be easier because it is so very familiar... which is a sick and wacked routine.

I wish I could wrap up this blog entry by saying that I'll take the nearest exit ramp off this highway of insanity...

A Corporate Worship Service

Below are some of the things I am pondering today...

What is the purpose of a corporate worship service? Is it for reaching out to those who don't know Christ? Is it for encouragement and exhortation of those who already know Him? Both of those? Neither of those?

Is it OK to want an emotional experience on a Sunday morning (or Saturday night or whenever)? Is it OK to want an intellectual experience? Is it OK to want a sensory experience? Or should we even consider what we want?

Are there parts of a corporate worship service that are more important than others?

Are these even important or relevant question to ask?

Aware

I can't remember exactly when I became aware of the fact that I'm a control freak... sometime within the last 3 years. I'm kind of sad that I'm now aware of it... I think I might would have rather lived on in ignorance of it. Many things illustrate my control freakishness, but few things highlight it more than a disruption in my travel plans.

To my horror, during a road trip on New Year's Eve, something went wrong with our vehicle. Also to my horror, I couldn't force (i.e. control) any repair shop in Liberal, KS to fix said vehicle on New Year's Eve afternoon. We were not really in danger. There was no huge tragedy surrounding the situation. I even went through the logical processes of telling myself those things during the disruption. The logic did little to calm me... because no matter what I did... I wasn't going to figure out a way to control the situation and make it play out in the manner I wanted!

If logic, in those situations, doesn't help, what is a control freak to do? How can I begin to exhibit self control in the area of being a control freak? How does a control freak have the self control to give up control?

If I were a fan of country music/American Idol/overplayed songs, I might ask Carrie Underwood.