_________ Enough

I learned something yesterday... well... I didn't actually learn it in one day... It's been somewhat of a life-long lesson...

Here it is:

I will never be good enough, spiritual enough, knowledgable enough, holy enough, humble enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, or anything else I can think of enough.

Newsflash. Duh. Hello...

And I'm not talking about being whatever enough for judgement day.

I'm talking about being (fill in the blank here) enough to be a wife, a mom, a friend, a teacher, a student, a musician, a worship leader, a small group leader, or whatever else I am. There are a few things I've put on hold... opportunities I've passed up... projects I have procrastinated... all because I don't feel (insert adjective here) enough.

But if I wait for the day I feel _______ enough, I won't get to do any of those things... because I can count on one hand the number of days per year that I feel ________ enough. Why would I rob myself of joy and opportunity because I haven't met some arbitrary (and impossible to meet) standard I created in my own crazy head?!?!

Why would I do that? ... sadly, I probably do it everyday.

Now don't hear me wrong, y'all! (Yes, I know that sentence isn't grammatically correct.) I'm not saying any of this to justify continuing to live in sin or something. I'm saying I've been using this not being ________ enough attitude to justify sitting on the freakin' sidelines!

Eternal Beauty... now...

There are things, people, places, events, and experiences that at various times have made life seem real... and by real I mean in an eternal sense... as if for brief moments there are tiny tears in the space-time continuum and a little bit of eternal beauty leaks through... little bitty snatches of time where life on this earth doesn't seem like a shadow of something greater because what I'm seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, tasting in those precious seconds is so amazing that it has to be the authentic non-shadow thing. I used to wait for these kinds of experiences to happen to me... and they do happen. But in recent weeks I've found myself looking for them in places I walk and drive everyday... in people I see often... in foods I eat frequently... and... you get the idea. And while not every second of everyday is overflowing with sweetness and awesomeness from that Place of Eternal Beauty (where nothing is a shadow), I have seen and experienced way more tears in the space-time continuum on a daily basis now that I am looking for them. And I give all thanks to my Creator for that. Below is a list... and it might end up being a very long list... of times when that eternal beauty has trickled through a tear onto my life... These things are wonderful and good and amazing in and of themselves, but they all point me to and compel me to worship my Creator.

• tulips


• a cardinal perched in a yellow flowering bush


• my husband's beard


• my daughter's hands, fingers, and fingernails on the day of her birth... perfect... as if she had just gotten a french manicure or something


• wind rustling in the orange and yellow autumn leaves of Colorado aspen trees, vivid blue sky above


• coffee


• Dubliner cheese


• pepperoni pizza with extra cheese


• standing on top of the Mount of Olives overlooking the Old City of Jerusalem at night


• the flowering trees along Capitol Parkway


• a freshly painted room


• my dining room table set for dinner for 12


• the Picasso hanging in my living room


• sipping cappuccino alone at an outdoor cafe in Venice's St. Mark's Square


• laying in the middle of the golf course with my college friend Kristin staring up at the stars


• Pinot Noir


• hiking down to Crater Lake with my mom


• seeing the Cliffs of Moher with my husband


• singing worship songs beside a Colorado alpine lake with my sister and my friend Susan


• eating deep fried spinach leaves on that same Colorado trip, lots of laughter around the dinner table that night


• cross country skiing with my husband at night in Pioneers Park


• my yellow lab


• watching the sun rise from the top Mt. Sinai... Amazing Grace being sung in several different languages around me


• Nebraska cornfields green with spring and early summer


• singing with Crystal and Melissa, making music with Megan, Lori, and Brook


• hitting the perfect tee shot


• guacamole


• my daughter asleep in my arms


• walking though unbelievably green Irish sheep pastures with my husband


• biking in Palo Duro Canyon


• singing with Furman Singers... 100 voices echoing off the walls of a stone church... singing in Latin, Russian


• playing Nertz with Amber, Kate, and Amber... laughing hysterically... praying together before every advanced calculus exam


• women's LIFE group from Trinity in Amarillo... worshiping together in the back room of Divine Grind


• skipping class to go hike at Table Rock State Park, SC


• sailing with Kelly on Glen Lake, Michigan


• putting on my favorite pair of jeans


• watching a baby moose frolic and play in a lake in Glacier National Park


• my cousin and I secretly dropping water balloons on unsuspecting people at youth camp


• the first time I kissed Scott


• the Unit Circle


• walking out of the store with my brand new Martin guitar


• singing Be Thou My Vision at the top of my lungs in the Furman chapel... all alone in there


• seeing U2 in concert


• sunrays filtering through the trees on UNL's campus


• slow-pitch softball


• taking communion at Grace with my husband

To be continued???

Charismatic Encounters

I like how the title of the blog post sounds because of the alliteration (I think that's the correct term) with the "C" sounds. But if I were reading this blog title not knowing what it was about... I might think it was somehow about sex. But don't worry... it's not.

While talking with a friend over lunch today, I was reminded of a "charismatic encounter" I had about thirteen years ago. And by "charismatic" I mean in the spirtual gifts sense. God works in strange ways at times, and I'm glad I was reminded of that today.

I was working at my dad's family business at the time. I happened to be alone in the office that afternoon, and this woman walks in the door and asks for my mom. This is a woman I knew by sight, I knew her name, etc... but had never really had a conversation with her. Mom wasn't there so I asked the woman if I could give her a message. The woman then just intensely stares at me for a couple of seconds (long seconds) and then says, "Oh... Well it must be for you then." Feeling a bit of a socially awkward situation approaching, I was like, "Ummm... What must be for me?" Her response was, "Is there a room in the back or something where we could go and pray? I need to pray for you." I was pretty weirded out, but thought, "Hey... why not... ?" And I was really curious about why she "needed to pray" for me.

So we go and sit at a table in another room, and this woman starts to pray out loud... out loud in tongues that is. I grew up Southern Baptist... at that point in my life I had never heard anything like what was coming out of her mouth. I kinda felt the urge to laugh in surprise... but restrained myself. When she finished, she asked what I thought. All I said was "I don't know." But I was thinking to myself, "Lady, I have no freaking idea what you just prayed!" Then she asked if I wanted to her recap the prayer in English, and was like, "Ummm... yeah, that would be nice." I don't remember the exact words she said in her English recap since it's been thirteen years. But I do remember my mouth dropping wide open when she finished... because it was completely right on and relevant to my spirtual situation at the time. I was about to make a major life decision and had been praying fervently about it.

Why did she show up at the office that day? Is it possible she spoke with someone else who knew about my situation and that's why she came to pray for me? I suppose it's possible. Possible, but pretty doubtful.

I by no means think that stopping in at someone's place of work to pray for them in tongues is an appropriate way to do ministry... especially if that person is pretty much a stranger. That's just not how I roll... But who sent her to pray that prayer of encouragement for me that day? As strange and as socially awkward as it was and as much as I disapprove of her methods, I don't think the woman was sent from Satan. I believe God sent her. To use my friend's phrase, this woman's special "big red phone" in the corner rang, and she answered and then responded.

What am I saying? What's the point? I think sometimes God uses strange methods and weird people (some of which we don't really approve of or think are socially appropriate) to answer our prayers.

Depression... intangibles from others that can help... maybe

How much is too much to let a friend into my world of depression? When a friend says she wants me to explain it to her, does that person really know what she is asking?

Don't get me wrong... talking about it and explaining it is a good and healthy thing for me to do... it makes me feel less insane to say out loud the thoughts rolling around in my head... and I would love to have another person in my corner with this depression thing. But again I ask... does she realize what she is asking? Does she really want to hear about my unexplainable sadness... sadness that persists in me depsite how incredibly blessed I know I am?

I want to ask her... Do you really wanna know the reality of my life today and for the last six out of seven days? Sadness... sadness and guilt when I think of my husband and my daughter... because they are wonderful... They need and deserve better from me. Same thing for my sister... Not a day goes by that I don't think about her... She deserves better from me.

Crying... actual crying and even more holding back of tears at various locations.

Then there is hopelessness... I don't mean eternal hopelessness... I know where my ultimate destination is... I know that "no power of hell nor scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand." But I'm not gonna lie... I am frightened that this depression will be a part of the rest of my life on earth. And even as I'm typing this, I know there are people around the world who must live with much worse for the rest of their earthly lives... People with Parkinson's... people who are in prison for their religious or politcal beliefs, people who live in abject poverty... The list of people who have it worse than me while on this earth is endless. Thus... even more guilt for me.

As a person who deals with non-circumstancial depression, how do I answer my friend's question "Is there anything I can do?" I've had more than one friend ask me that... and I'm pretty sure I would ask the exact same question if I were in their shoes. I wish I had a great answer to it. I don't know this for sure... but I don't think most people like the answer I usually give: "Just let me talk if I need to talk... and realize that when I talk and ask rhetorical questions I'm not asking you or expecting you to answer them or give me advice. I'm not asking you to fix me or rescue me or anything like that." But that's so intangible for most people... it doesn't feel to them like they're doing anything to help... So in response some say "but what else can I do."

At that point I usually think to myself but don't say out loud "Well, the next time I'm sitting on my office floor sobbing, would you come sit with me?" And the reality is that when I'm sitting on the floor in my office sobbing, it's usually the absolute most inconvenient time for anyone to actually come sit with me... plus the fact that it's a pretty socially awkward thing to ask someone to do. But the other reality is that it would help... How do I know it would help? Once, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was driving around... sobbing in my car... feeling beyond desperate... I called a friend and asked her if I could come over. I got to her house still crying, walked in, didn't really even say anything, and cried in her arms for half an hour... or more maybe. We did talk some after that... but she didn't say anything really during my pathetic sobbling spell... and that was OK... she didn't need to say anything. Sometimes just not having to cry alone is a comfort. And I've cried in the arms of my husband dozens of times... and he's learned it's OK... even better sometimes... not to say anything during those moments.

Here is something else that helps... and I feel ridiculous admitting this for some reason... I think because it just seems shallow. This last week was the worst one yet depressionwise for me this winter. I let a handful of people know how I was feeling... One friend texted me later and reminded me that she loved me and liked me. A simple sentence... but that let me know it was OK that I had told her I was having a bad week... that let me know I hadn't completely annoyed her like I thought I might have by saying that I had a horrible day... again.

Another thing that would help... and I think this next thing I've only ever said to my husband... I don't want friends to shelter me from things going on in their own lives. If things are awesome for them, great! I can almost always celebrate with them. But if things are not awesome, they won't somehow bring me down further by telling me what's going on... I am a good friend and a good listener... And just because I'm having a rough time doesn't mean that I don't care about what's going on with the lives of my friends.

I don't claim to be a spokeswoman for all Christian women who deal with chronic clinical depression... but I know I can't be the only one out there who feels as I do...

Closer to 40 than 30

Today is my birthday... and it's difficult for me as an analytical and sentimental woman not to take stock of my life and not to talk about my past, present, and future...

When I was much younger, I never imagined my life to have been so richly blessed with so many honest and lively relationships (almost too many to count)... some of which have endured... some of which have not. Some of the enduring ones I will see again this side of eternity... some I will not... and hopefully the ones that have not endured on this side, I will see on the other.

Today I am remembering my Furman freshman hall friends of Gambrell 200... Kristin, Holley, Laurie, Sylvia, Diana, Sarah, Lisa... and all the late night laughter we shared.

Kelly, my roomie for 3 years... and quite possibly the best friend I have ever had outside of my husband...

Amy, Jenny, and Audrey... my friends from Furman Singers... unbelievable women.

Jill, my sister... another unbelievably successful woman... Lisa, my cousin, who fits in that same category...

Kristi, Camille, Cathy, Caroline, Darby, Ellen, Amy, Angie, Marci, Justin... all friends from my hometown... people whom with I wish I had stayed in better touch.

Monica, Mandy, Ashli, and Neely from Camp Chapparal.

Carol, Alecha, Sherri, Becca, Jenny, Marla, Jill, Dot, Kathy, Tommie, Robin, Susan... my dear friends from Plainview...

Kate, Amber D., Amber T., Becky, Pam, Heather, Sandy, Kendall, Jennifer, Robin, Angie, Susie, Cindy, Emily (partially for whom my daughter is named), Steve, Dave, Tracy, Shasta, Kyle, Kayla, Misty, Gregg... my friends from WT, FUMC Canyon, and Trinity Fellowship Amarillo... Most importantly, Scott, my husband of over six years... who I met in West Texas...

And I haven't even begun the list of the dear friends I have in Nebraska... I can't even list them now because I am crying.

Ignore all of the other things I have... and only look at the people I have had the privilege of knowing... I am blessed beyond measure.

O The Blood - Gateway Worship

I can't stop listening to this song. I'm not exactly sure why... the lyrics aren't super original... the chord structure isn't all that complicated... but I can't stop listening to it.

One of those days...

I'm having one of those days... and I have them way more often that I would like to admit... but... I'm having one of those days where I'm sad, anxious, somewhat crazy... for no identifiable reason... or I should say... no rational reason. Every poor decision, every sin I've ever committed, every weakness, everything I can think of for which to beat myself up... It's all right in front of my face today. I'm questioning my judgement on recent decisions. I'm feeling guilty for things over which I have no control. I'm thinking my friends feel I'm the most annoying person on the face of the earth. I'm obsessing over ridiculous stuff.

And here's the thing... I know it's not logical. I know most of what I'm feeling right now isn't true. I'm currently telling myself to stop going down this road on which I somehow found myself late last night. But I don't know if I can stop. And in some ways, letting myself continue to go down this road of self-condemnation would be easier. It would be easier because it is so very familiar... which is a sick and wacked routine.

I wish I could wrap up this blog entry by saying that I'll take the nearest exit ramp off this highway of insanity...